"You're Intimidating"

“You’re intimidating.”

This isn’t something that’s new to me. I’ve heard it a lot over my time spent in death care. Never from the families I’ve served, but regularly from the administrative side of things. Yes, yes, I know, insert eye roll here.

For a while, I tried to change. I paused before replying to people to ensure I had constructed a soft response. I stopped joking with people I knew to be sensitive, whilst fake-laughing at their jokes. I came in early, stayed late, and pushed myself far beyond my limits to please all of the different personalities that I was surrounded by.

Then, it happened again.

“People think you’re intimidating."

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. What else could I possibly change to appease people who kept finding things to be intimidated by? Normally, I could let comments like these roll off of my back. I rarely let them bother me. Maybe, this time, my armor was weak. Maybe I was tired. I’m not sure why it got to me, but it did.

I cried on my drive home from work. I didn’t sleep well. The next morning I woke up covered in hives (which I later discovered were triggered by stress).

It was a rough night to say the least, but I made it through to the other side. I filled my cup with friends, family, and things that brought me joy.

I still was spending too much time trying to work out why I was coming across as intimidating. After a really enlightening conversation with a friend, I realized something.

I don’t care.

People tend to react negatively when your confidence awakens their insecurities. They see something in you that shines a light on what they don’t like about themselves. It is not your job to manage their perception of you. You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to do that. I almost did.

I’m not intimidating, you are just intimidated. This is a you problem, and how you feel about me is none of my business.

This resolution has brought me so much peace.

Honestly, let's face it, if I were the type of person to actively try to intimidate them, they would be scared.