DGYAB Stage 4: Depression

Major Depressive Disorder, Single Episode. That was the official diagnosis. The doctor said something about it passing eventually. What I understood it as, was a reason why I didn’t have to go back to work for 60 days. I liked that. I drank a lot, slept a lot, ate a little. Didn’t learn very much though.

Does anyone ever, really? Learn, I mean.

I don’t like to spend much time talking about this stage of grief, because I never really quite understood it. I always expected it to feel like a crushing sadness, but honestly, what I mostly felt was a lot of nothing.

I remember feeling like I SHOULD feel something. People would hug me and start crying and I felt like I was expected to do the same. It was strange, because for a long time, the only thing I ever felt when I WAS feeling, was anger.

I remember going back to work. My manager was really great about making sure nobody made a big deal about it. Everyone was instructed not to ask me any probing questions. They speculated, and whispered, and snuck into his file to read about what had happened. They thought I didn’t know, but I knew….and I was pissed. The thing is, punching someone in the face at work is never okay regardless of how much they may have deserved it. I’ll never forget that, and I hope those particular people always step on a stray Lego with their bare feet every time they get up to pee in the middle of the night.

I remember feeling like a liar when people would consistently comment on how “strong” I was. I wasn’t strong. I was broken.

I remember feeling trapped that I didn’t feel safe enough to admit that.

I remember the panic attacks. I don’t wish those on my worst enemy. (There’s a whooooole other post coming at some point about this.)

That’s it. That’s what I have for you on this. I don’t have answers, and I don’t have solutions. What I do have, is gratitude.

I’m grateful that I made it to the other side.

I’m grateful for the people in my life who were patient with me until I got there.

I’m learning to walk in gratitude...

….and it’s beautiful.